[Bryony Wharfe | Contributing Writer]
I’ll lay it straight on a plate for you, I’ve had one night stands. Some good, some which were a complete waste of time, but hey ho. Each intimate moment I’ve shared with someone has taught me something, from sexual positions to how to play the game (the dating game that is, not The Game, although now I’ve made you think about it and now you’ve lost). But it never taught me to put myself first, even though I thought that was what I was doing; I chose the person as much as they chose me, and I did things I wanted to do and never felt like I was forced. I believed I kept my dignity and respect and woke up the next day not feeling down about the situation. I never thought I was doing anything wrong, not in a sexual way, but in a decision-making way.
Then I met someone who I’ve shared countless intimate moments with, who I fell deep in love with and opened my body and soul in ways I had never done with anyone before. We’ve done things that I’ve never done with another person, not because the things are bad, weird or wrong in any way, but because it never came up, or we felt like we couldn’t say “Hey do you wanna do this?”
One night stands are mostly just about the sex; that’s a given, but I’ve come to realise it’s more than that. Not only am I talking about having more foreplay (which is seriously needed, that’s pretty obvious), but broadening your horizons and yourself. After being with this person for quite a while now, I’ve come to understand my body and my desires more than all the one night stands put together. I’m not saying they were bad; I just wish I had known these things before. And I didn’t because I’d be in bed with someone I may have known or someone I met that night, and the last thing I thought about was what I wanted. I just wanted his manhood inside me so I ended up in this heated fumble, and yeah it’s great and stuff, but I never felt fulfilled, and I never knew quite why. So I always put it down to maybe I just don’t enjoy sex that much or maybe they just really weren’t that great.
But I do enjoy sex; I love it as much as the next person, and I’m not saying you just need to meet the right person because that’s a load of bull crap. But the same time, I am saying that, but I’m turning it around because the right person you need to meet is you. We all need to know our inner desires and what turns us on and off, so when you do have sex with someone for the first time or the hundredth time, you know what you want and that you love yourself at every moment. If you’re confident in who you are and what you want, sex is always going to be better.
I never felt like I truly loved myself though when I was younger, not just during sex but in my life in general. But as I’ve grown older, become a more active feminist, been in and out of love and had someone love me, I have slowly started to push myself up and think hey this woman is pretty neat let’s get her some sweet d. Having someone love me and put me first made me realise that I’ve never truly put myself first and only did what I felt I was supposed to do. If my partner and I were ever to break up and I was back on the dating scene, I know the new moments I go on to share with people will be so much better than before. They obviously won’t reach the beauty of sharing those moments with someone you love, but they’ll still be pretty good.
So if you’re single or in a relationship, just remember that the number of people you’ve had inside of you or you’ve entered doesn’t strip away at who you are; you aren’t any less of the person you were before. Love yourself, every part of you, and make sure that the person you sleep with respects that, if they don’t want to do what you desire don’t waste your time, find someone who’ll make an effort. Even just for the night, you deserve it.