Disclaimer “Swen: The Backward News” is a satirical news column. Any articles associated with Swen are of fiction and constitute as fake news. Any resemblance to the truth or actual facts or to reality is purely coincidental.
[Robert Wheatley | Lifestyle Editor]
With one of the shuttlebuses (Jeremy) past its prime, the Environment and Sustainability Team have decided to put their funding towards a more energy efficient vehicle; the Swegway, or ‘hoverboard.’
Known for not actually being a hoverboard and existing as a sort of Schroedinger’s vehicle (not legal on pathways but not on roads either), the device was popular for a month in the summer of 2016 before everyone realised their student loan would have been better spent on food. So this ‘popularity’ didn’t last long and the devices died out in their use. That, or because they had the potential to explode at times.
The decision was made not only to reduce CO2 emissions but to cut costs of travel and recycle the hundreds of discarded hoverboards, replacing Jeremy and the other UNO shuttlebuses with cheaper to run vehicles that ensure students can traverse the roads between the campuses with efficiency. Students are to be provided free hoverboard training at the beginning of the year as of 2017, with an entire non-filler module dedicated to it for first-year humanities students.
Trident Media interviewed the spokesperson for the Environment and Sustainability Team, Harry Tucker, regarding the decision.
“[sobbing] I… I was late to the board meeting and instead of coming up with a solution the night before the deadline I just procrastinated on YouTube. I saw someone riding one on the way to the University the next morning, and I just went with it.
“… we only had fives minutes left in the meeting to decide, and no-one else could think of any other ideas. Someone said, ‘Why not just get new buses?’ but we agreed it would not help our university stand out among our competitors.”
When asked if there were other reasons, especially regarding the University’s environmental policy, Tucker responded:
“Oh yeah, that too. Less CO2 emissions, plus we can recycle the hoverboards students just leave around the university. They’re pretty environmentally friendly if their batteries don’t explode.”
Trident Media took to both the de Havilland and College Lane campus to ask students what they thought of the decision. Most responses were negative, with the majority of students curious as to why they didn’t replace the buses or try anything else but hoverboards. Nathifa Hadad, a second-year Mathematics student, said:
“Is this a joke? Two shuttlebuses aren’t even enough, let alone none! I can’t even ride a hoverboard, what am I supposed to do? This uni, I swear…”
“I really miss Jeremy,” said third-year English Literature student, Johan Lassen, “His squeaks motivated me.”
Not all responses were negative, however. First-year Pharmaceutical Chemistry student and hoverboard enthusiast, Manuele Nicolini, was actually very pleased with the decision.
“I knew my money was well invested in buying that hoverboard – who’s frivolously spending money now, mum?”
Recent decisions from the University of Hertfordshire have come under fire, with the personal WiFi strapons having an unexpectedly low usage of two students last week, but the University is confident it will help put them on the map.