Grumpy Corner: Fake Pockets

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[Anonymous writer]

Fake pockets or ‘decorative pockets’ as they may be known, is just like putting glitter on a turd, it is what it is, deceit. If you don’t quite feel the gravity of the topic here’s an emotional story to help, make sure you’re sitting down because it’s about to get real. Sit in a quiet room, feel the story, live the story.

So here it goes, you’re about to lose all hope and the will to live because the coat you currently own is just not cutting it anymore, so you need a new one. You venture out to where shops can be found, and not only are you mixing with peasants and breathing what feels like contaminated oxygen, but you’re also using the precious time that could be used procrastinating from studying. 

You enter about twelve stores which all end with the same walk of shame, where you have to rediscover how to act normal after not buying anything without creating suspicion that you’ve committed a theft. Then just when you’re about to pick up your shame and take it home, from across the final store in your entire county, you catch sight of the coat you’ve been looking for all day, just like you pictured it. 

Then, just like a cringe-worthy romance movie, you run towards the coat in a dreamy green meadow with Adele playing soothingly in the background, flowers in your hair and the wind under your wings, the beginning of your love story. You’re so excited that you don’t even inspect the pockets; you just see that there are seemingly functional pockets. You go to the cashier with a cheesy grin on your face, and you take that baby home. You’re so extraordinarily in love that you don’t even give a damn that you’re spending five pence on a plastic bag. 

You try it on, and it’s perfect. You look like royalty in this new coat. It’s the beginning of a new realm. Finally, you’re motivated to live and not just be alive. You slide your hand into the pocket to discover that your hands glide over the pocket, your hands won’t enter the pocket. You know why? Because the pockets are fake. The dream you were so absorbed in is fake. It was a sham. You feel betrayed that any human being could be so heartless as to deceive you of your ambitions. The dilemma is that you can’t take it back; you’ve worked too hard just to take the coat back. So you suffer. Suffer in silence. Well, suck that tear back up fellow reader, as I am here today to fight this battle for you. You’re welcome.

The non-pocket-pocket dilemma appears to be a women’s problem from what I’ve seen, as men’s clothing pockets can fit anything from keys; the iPhone 6+ and the next door neighbour’s cat with ease. Do designers reserve a special hatred towards women’s clothing? Is it an expense to add extra lining to create a real pocket rather than frilly excess which gives the illusion of a helpful design? I think I have it sussed; they want us victims to spend wonga on handbags or backpacks and other useless accessories to hold what pockets should. It’s all a scam to extort money from us; I say we should revolt.

Boycott all the clothing items that have fake pockets, including those useless zips that don’t actually have a pocket they just slide up and down your sleeve without helping us busy bodies in our daily lives. Fake pockets are fake friends. They lull you into a false sense of security and happiness with a number of pockets you hold, and yet they lie. I go back on what I said at the beginning; it’s okay to cry. It’s understandable to cry.

So how does one human save us from this endeavour? I haven’t quite figured that out yet, maybe if you have suggestions email me at burnthefakepockets@herts.ac.uk.

P.S. I do not condone criminal damage, even if fake pockets deserve it.

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Grumpy Corner: Fake Pockets