[Charlotte Mullin | Contributing Writer]
University students are infamous for our libidos; our generation is one of #LAD culture and promiscuity, where sex is the crowning achievement, elevating it to having the same importance as oxygen or water. Most people will do incredibly stupid things if there is even the slightest chance that it might get them laid. They’re not shy about it either; almost every single time I’ve been to The Forum I’ve seen somebody being fingered on the dance floor. And hey, sex is great if you are so inclined, but there are undeniably certain rules of etiquette to follow. Some are obvious – don’t call out someone else’s name, don’t fall asleep, and so on. However, from my experience, unless something has been spelled out for someone they will break a Sex Rule and then the whole thing is ruined, and so I’ve combined this list to coach you into becoming a better lover. Unfortunately, it’s not a manual in technique or skill – everyone is different in terms of how they get their jollies. Instead, it’s a guide of general things to avoid when having sex with somebody for the first time, and these rules are pretty much universal. There’s not usually somebody to tell you these things outright, so I’ve done the hard-work and made it easier for you. You can thank me later.
1) Doing anything without their permission
I shouldn’t even have to tell you that unless someone has completely consented – meaning, they have given a sober, enthusiastic, verbal and physical ‘yes’ – you should not be having sex with them. This specification is more broad. You know how I said everyone is different in terms of what they like? Don’t assume that people will automatically love what you do either, and don’t experiment with something unless you’re 100% sure it’ll get them off. Instead of spanking somebody and hoping there’s a chance they’ll be into it, wait for it to be brought up. Also, I’ll just make this absolutely clear because this is a recurring problem: DO NOT PUT ANYTHING UP SOMEBODY’S BUTT UNLESS THEY HAVE ASKED FOR IT. There is nothing cheeky about that finger. In life, it’s better to be safe than sorry, and sex is no exception.
2) Thinking you’re a porn star
This may shock some boys, but porn is nothing like real life. In the world of pornography, sex is hard, fast, full of screaming orgasms and perfect tits, and every girl absolutely wants you to jizz on her face. Real sex is nothing like that – not all the time, anyway. In an era where the internet is dominated by pornography, people have been bombarded with false expectations for sex, and act like they’re a porn star when they get down to it. Listen, sex is not a race or a competition. You don’t need to slap on someone’s clit like you’re playing the bongos. Do not try and deep-throat a dick unless you have absolute faith in your gag reflex (or lack thereof). And don’t bang someone like you’re trying to ram them through the mattress and into the earth’s core. Sex isn’t anything like porn; it’s better. Just go with the flow.
3) Acting like protection isn’t important
Sorry, but ‘I don’t like the feel of condoms’ is nowhere near being a sufficient excuse. You know what I don’t like? Getting pregnant or contracting an STD. There are a lot of things that turn me off (bad breath, dirty bedsheets, an inability to appreciate Taylor Swift) and yet nothing switches my interest off faster than the cockiness of a guy who thinks he’s above condoms. I don’t care if you have the most magical penis in all the land, if you’re not wrapped you’re not getting tapped. Of course, it doesn’t fall solely on either partner to provide protection; you should always be prepared because you should never assume that the other person will be. Don’t underestimate people’s capability for shortsightedness.
4) Repeatedly asking them if they’re coming
While getting with someone for the first time is a little nerve-wracking, you don’t need to be so unsure of yourself. Just do your best to make it as pleasurable for the other person as possible and you will be a great lover. This is frankly not possible if you require constant reassurement. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to know you’re doing a good job, because noises are a great motivator, but continuously asking ‘are you there yet?’ makes you sound like a child on a road-trip to Disneyworld. It gives off the impression that you want it to be over already. Yes, I was coming, until you stopped doing what was making me come to ask me if I was coming. Trust me, you will know when your partner is having an orgasm, don’t try and ask for an estimated time like you’re preparing for an impending earthquake. Let it sneak up on you instead, and you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
5) Faking an orgasm
Apparently, this isn’t restricted to just women; one of my male friends once told me that he came too early, so he kept quiet about it and then faked an orgasm at a more appropriate time. I won’t get into how carrying on with a used condom is mind-bogglingly stupid, or wonder how he managed to hide his limpness, but instead I’ll encourage you not to fake it. It deeply saddens me that 1 in 3 women have trouble reaching orgasm and settle for faking just so they can appease their partner’s ego. Girls, you do not owe anyone anything. If they’re not doing it for you, don’t reward them for it. Make them work for it. It might be a little embarrassing and awkward to figure out the process, but you will forget all about that the second it starts to pay off.
6) Worrying too much
Yes, it’s scary getting naked in front of someone new. You want to make a good impression when you have sex with someone for the first time. You might even hope to do it with them more than once. But you don’t need to lay all your cards on the table in one go. You don’t need to feel insecure about your appearance, because by the time you’ve made it to the bedroom you can safely assume they’re into you. Similarly, don’t doubt your skills; all it takes to be a good lay is to be genuinely enthusiastic. At the end of the day, sex is just sex. Worrying completely murders the mood. Just chill out, do your thing, and let the fireworks happen.
Have you got any top tips for getting frisky? Let us know @TridentMediaUK!