[Jennie Couling | Contributing Writer]
Technology – one of the most powerful game changers of the last century. Thanks to hard working engineers and scientists we now have the means to travel to the moon, see things that are unimaginably small and stay in touch with people thousands of miles away. So what do we do with all this invaluable research and knowledge? Use it to make crazy sex toys, of course! So here’s a list of technology’s weirdest inventions.
1. The Magic Hand Some sex toys are just utterly terrifying and this is one of them. But there’s something for everyone on the internet and apparently there’s a whole range modelled on different porn stars’ hands. If you can ignore the fact it looks like Thing that is.
2. Wake-up Vibe Alarm Vibrator – Cold winter mornings making waking up difficult? Does your phone alarm not get you up in the morning? Do you find yourself constantly hitting the snooze button? Struggle no more! This vibrator alarm will have you waking up on the right side of the bed, ready for lectures. Or a bit late…
3. Solar Powered Bullet – Described on the website as “the perfect accessory for the socially conscious 21st century woman”, this is “the world’s first totally renewable sun-powered stimulator”. Get to your happy place without having to worry about dying polar bears – great!
4. Mermaid inflatable bondage tail – Ah yes, the best extracurricular bedroom equipment – the stuff that allows zero access to your fun parts. Live out your wildest fantasies of having no genetalia. Kinky.
5. Putin Butt Plug – Because any sex toy should be a political statement. Let him fulfil his need to invade or tell him to shove his homophobic policies where the sun doesn’t shine.
6. Dog dildo – This poses so many questions no one wants the answer to. Who decided turning to the animal kingdom for fulfilment was ok? Why a dog? Who’s dog? Who modelled it? And it doesn’t stop at your beloved pet – there’s a whole website dedicated to all types of animal dildo: otter, seal, dolphin, horse, reptile and whale. Lovely.
7. Vajankle – Now, we know that most sex toys are basically dismembered body parts, so what makes this one particularly creepy? Oh yeah, it’s the fact it’s a foot. And a vagina. Together. Because that’s totally normal and sexy.
8. Mr Jack with Moustache – For all those times you’ve wondered what it would be like to have Tom Selleck give you a blow job, Mr Jack with Moustache has you covered. Comes complete with alluring mouth tentacles.
9. I Rub my Duckie Vibrator – Well that’s anyone’s fond memories of childhood bathtimes ruined. Who thought associating sex with childhood was ok? Please, just no.
10. The Cone Vibrator – Actual quote from website: ‘The innovative shape hits all the spots and the funky, contemporary style means it doesn’t need to be hidden away in the bedroom drawer’.
So there you go kids. Have no shame and display your sex toys proudly as symbols of human progress for all housemates or family members to see. Celebrate them as a feat of hard work, dedication and research and, above all, a symbol of what humans really care about.